Thursday, October 20, 2005

> I'd imagine the real split began before I was even a year old. When I had ideas but there just hadn't been enough time to learn the words to express them. And so it went, my inner-life travelled one way and my outer-life spun off another. I learned 'bye' and 'hi' and 'mama' but on the inside ideas, 'why am I here? Where did I come from? What's the point of all this rediculousness with the cars and the clothes and people always picking me up?'

I turned two and three and 10 and 15 and somehow the inside and the outside never fully matched up. For some people it did and to you kudos. Granted for most of those people it just means there wasn't much hiding under the surface in the first place but for the rest it's a special thing and as bad as it is to hold a lot inside for some of us, it can also be like your own secret treasure chest. Something all your own.

And for those of us like that there's a certain magic when you can peer inside others. It's the magic of musicians and writers and poets and artists. And the most amazing ones, the ones that really grab our attention, are the ones who we know lived a different outer life before music came along. And when people started listening it all changed. Suddenly the inside gets out. Even if it didn't really want out. The doors come down and the inner and the outer become one giant, screaming force to be reckoned with.

It's why we pay the brilliant ones so much and why we all dream of being rockstars one day. To stand up and show the world that what they know of you, what they see everyday has been filtered down to 2%. It's 2% of the jokes and smiles and the opinions and the tears and the anger and the screams and the creeps.

And I was fine showing the world my 2% and letting the rest of it simmer. But then something happened. I found out about blogs. And I started one. And somehow- don't ask me exactly how because it's all kind of fuzy- the inside started to creep. I didn't think the words on the screen would make any difference but then my mouth started to open more. I started to smile more. I frowned less. I stared pretty girls straight in the eye. It was scary as hell but what could I do?

The voice inside started to get quiet. Or did it? Maybe the outside voice was just stealing all his thunder. Outside was beating him to the punchline and after a while inside just decided it was time to pack up and move out.

I live a completely different outer life, partly because of the little drip-drop of posts that trickle out of here every couple of days and partly because I decided enough was enough. And if the music industry wonders why they can't sell me any records anymore, it's not because of Napster, it's because I don't need anyone showing me what they've been hiding. All that's just so 20th century.

I don't expect it to be like this forever. Eventually everything important will slip past words anyhow. Everything will will move backwards. To the very bneginning where almost nothing ever left. Outside will beocme inside. And everything important will simmer and settle and return form where it came.


Blogger eric said...

"Empty the self completely;
Embrace perfect peace.
The world will rise and move;
Watch it return to rest.
All the flourishing things
Will return to their source.

This return is peaceful;
It is the flow of nature,
An eternal decay and renewal ..."

10:11 PM  

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