Thursday, July 21, 2005

Sometimes I come across as emotionless.. Like I'll pretty much roll with whatever comes my way, unflinching like a soldier who has seen so much that nothing could possibly jolt his world. Truth is I used to get all worked up over the world. I used to fret the little things to the point of insanity and I cracked more than once. But the thing is I've slowly came to a fantastic and awful realization about the world. Or at least about my world. What works for me doesn't mean it will work for you but that's life. Thing is I'm white. I'm white and I'm middle class. I'm white and I'm middle class and I'm decently smart and I'm not ugly and my parents cared enough to teach me right from wrong.

Slowly I started to realize that all I have to do is smile and follow the rules. Follow the arrows on the floor and everything will be alright. If all I do is keep my mouth shut and look forward and keep walking I'll get my job and I'll have my house and I'll have a wife and I'll be able to put my kids through college and probably even retire to Florida. If all I do is smile and nod and keep walking. I mean what idiot would screw it all up just because he thinks that he knows better. Just because he thinks that maybe there's something more to it and that even when he gets to party alongside movie stars and pro athletes and not have to worry about keeping a roof his head or the electricity pumping cool air into his bedroom while he sleeps under the cover. He can have everything that they tell you a man should want. How could he even dream of throwing it all away. When millions of people, probably billions of people would give anything just to have a taste of what he has. Just to have a glimpse into his life. To walk one single day in his shoes.

It was the most liberating and most depressing thought to ever cross my mind. To know that everything is sitting right there in front of me. To know that I've got the golden ticket. But when you know that everything is going to work out, it's hard to ever feel anything. I don't get angry, I don't get very sad, I don't get excited. It all works out.

But deep down inside there's this voice screaming to be let out. Praying that maybe someday someone will come along and see past the jeans and button shirt I wear to work. Will see through the unflinching smile. They'll hear my words but no there's something else there. Beyond the boring drone. Deep down I long for the kind of girl who's ready to break a lot of rules. She knows how to really smile. She knows how to enjoy life instead of just sit and wish she was enjoying it. a girl who's been breaking rules for a long time. And somehow she looks at me and knows that all I really want to do is break them all too. That I'm sick of living black and white. That all I need is someone to give me a little push to get my spiraling off out of control and unleash a beast inside that been waiting patiently. He's keeping all my emotions and all my excitement bottled up with him. It's a siphon and once someone starts it's flowing. And all she has to do is walk across the room, sit down next to me and say hi. All I need is one word. One word to get all the arrows pointing in the wrong direction.

2 Comments:

Blogger dbhayes said...

...yep.

(I was gonna say something long-winded and mildly relevant but that seemed about 100 times better. He's the long winded and irrelevant part.)

12:31 PM  
Blogger Mo said...

word to your mother.

1:29 PM  

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