Monday, June 06, 2005

You know you''re preaching when something comes along and you just don't know if you can handle it the way youÂ’'ve told everyone else you could. I talked the other day about choosing a path and Robert Frost poems and all that fucking horse shit. Something about being happy with all the past decisions I've made. And I don't know how long you've been around but a little less than a year ago a girl strolled back into my life and floored me. But she lived so far away. The thing is. Love is about growing together. I know that. You can't grow together 2000 miles apart. So I did what I had to do. I stuck it out for almost six months but I had to do the right thing.

I told her we had to stop. And she cried. And all the 'I love you's' (well, all two of them) became 'I'm so mad at you's' and things slowed down. But I left it in the back fo my mind. Like someday maybe it would work itself out. We kept talking. Someday we would be close enough to make it right. I thought maybe this summer. Maybe I would be in NYC and she would be nearby and we could start again. For the third time. But then the letter came to send me to LA and I hadn't heard form her in a couple weeks. I could feel her drifting away. Yesterday I got a text from Idaho. She was driving west. Her ex, the one I knew wasn't right for her, lives in oregon. And he was with her. Together. They were driving. And today she told me what I should have known. That they're back together.

And I wish everything I said rang so true. That I looked back and all those old decisions make perfect sense. Like all those times I knew I loved her but never told her. That she was the only one I thought of every morning before my feet hit the floor. All those e-mails I wrote to her telling her how I felt. And then deleted them. Before I sent them. Because it was better for her. She was far away and if I told her the truth, what would it have done? I loved her enough to let her live her life without thinking about some guy 2000 miles away. And every time I went out with another girl, all I could think about was her.

God I wanted to tell her so bad. 6 numbers dialed. And sometimes you really have to put a little faith in... maybe it's in yourself... Or maybe it's in something bigger than you. Faith that it all really does work out. Or if it doesn't, at least she can be happy. At least she can be happy because she doesn't know how far down in my stomach she rooted herself.

So with 10 million people in this city, I'm stuck feeling all alone. But I never forget that it's always a wave. We're up and we're down... And either way I love her.


Blogger Mo said...

i know how you feel, man. ive been there too. keep ya head up, youre tough, youll make it.

12:26 PM  
Blogger Sylkk said...

you always will
and you'll have the memories
and don't ever let them go.....

3:44 PM  
Blogger Tayden said...

Ya, but I don't want to get stuck in the past. I don't want to love her anymore.

5:36 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home