Sunday, April 10, 2005

Writing down the logic of my solitude

I wonder what you would think if you came into my room. I don't have a single picture of anyone in it. No pictures of my parents or my grandparents, no smiling siblings or timeless high-school buddies. No ex-girlfriends or goofy college roommates with their arms hanging loosely around my neck. You might think I'm lonely. The thing is, I'm not lonely at all. And I could bullshit you about how the Brian Andreas picture over my desk is from the G2K and the watercolor over the dresser is from my grandfather's house and the Miles Davis poster came from an old roommate. But the thing is, I just kinda like being alone in my room. In fact, I just kinda like being alone.

You should follow me around for a week and just watch me snub people. Girls in my classes want to talk to me. Kids at parties tell me I'm chill. And I work in a sorority house. We don't need to talk about that part. But somehow in my head I justify how much I like being alone. There's just endless possibilities. Anyone can potentially fill those holes in my life. Like, maybe if I leave them open long enough the perfect people will come along and fit into them just right and this whole jigsaw puzzle will work itself out. It will, won't it?

Cuz I'm not going to be alone at 35 or 45 or 60, will I? Cuz the more I try the less I care about it. You can float. You can. I've watched people do it. You can just float on the top all the way through life. Just lying on your back staring up at the clear blue sky. But when you finally look up, you're gonna realize there's no land in sight.

I'm giving up my conscience for another.
I didn't sleep at all last night.
Don't ask me things you already know the answer to.
I can't believe they're giving me a full scholarship.
My friend was so close to dead he was on a respirator but now he is laughing.
I love the chase but I also love to catch you.
I'm definitely going to hell.
If I have sex this week I want to do it to Phoenix's Album Alphabetical.
Write me a gmail. I will write you back.

8 Comments:

Blogger dbhayes said...

i was beginning to forget, but now i remember.

keep up the good work.

2:58 AM  
Blogger eric said...

the people with so many friends are usually the loneliest people i've ever met.

i have only a few friends (or at least my definition of it). and those having few are the only kind of friends i want.

wow, i never realized soliticing sex to a predetermined soundtrack was done through g-mail. ;)

e+

8:07 AM  
Blogger jess. said...

I don't have many friends either, but the ones I do have are very close to me. That way my relationships have more meaning and are more important to me. I like it.

11:07 AM  
Blogger Mo said...

i dont have gmail. sorry.

11:44 AM  
Blogger Tayden said...

Damn it guys you're missing the point. It doesn't have anything to do with how many firends you have. How many or how few. The reason I don't have any pictures in my room isn't because I never took any pictures. Now I know what it feels like to be a musician whose song is completely misinterpreted.

12:07 PM  
Blogger eric said...

i missed that point ... seeing as how you mentioned holes waiting to be filled by perfect people and snubbing all the girls you meet and how awesome you are.

the musician allusion ... good ones produce art that leaves to the listener an opportunity to shine an idea through their own prism and find meaning.

ineffective musicians are the ones who either limit the bounds of what their art can mean or don't do a decent job of making their point.

of course, that's all a matter of interpretation ...

e+

10:34 PM  
Blogger Tayden said...

I hear you Eric. The thing is, I'm not discouraging people from make more friends. The thing is, no one is going to fit into those holes perfectly. I'm telling you I'm an idiot. That I've got a lot of friends but I keep them all out there on the periphery because it makes me comfortable that way.

On the music note, sure, a great song is one that people can make their own. But I can't imagine what's it's like to go on your band's message board and read some snot-nosed pre-teen explaining how the song is about feeling comfortable about yourself when all you want to tell them is, "No! It's not about you. It's about this girl I fucked while I was on the road in Vancouver!" Not that I have any personal expoerience with that. But someday I will have my own message board...

1:35 AM  
Blogger eric said...

that sounds reasonable, but think of this, too ...

if a musician makes it so that only he can own his art, he might find those who appreciate it in their own ways will lose interest.

i see it this way ... the fact that people bother to interpret something means that 1.) they care 2.)that probably, like any type of art, there is something universal in it that means more than the creator could, or has yet to, imagine.

of course, much of that depends on whether the creator actually considers his music/drawing/writing art.

if not, then there's not much reason to participate in that process whether it's a weblog that enables participation or a message board (which, to me, is one of the most innane creations of the internet).

take care, man.

e+

10:15 AM  

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