Thursday, February 24, 2005

Smug I Am

Baby don't whisper those things in my ear. You know I love you or I wouldn't be here. But I can't be that guy yet. How am I supposed to sing the blues if I get everything right the first time? If I'm twenty something and I get that job and a wife and a house in the hills. What the hell am I going to bleed? There's some hard times to come because underneat it all they got to. Maybe I want them to. And you gotta go far away. That's why we've got the telephone lines.

I said the very first day that I walked through the door at the journalism school that I never want to work for a newspaper. The journalism school is just a means to an end. But then they hammer you down. They sit you there with valadictorians and kids on academic scholarships and the teacher knows exactly what he is doing when he pokes us and prods us all into competing with each other. He makes you want to be better than those stuck-up private school kids. You gotta have the best stories and the wildest sources and the best quotes. And there's this crazy voice that grows in the back of your head. I have to be the best. I want to work for the New York Times. I want to work at the Washington Post. I'm going to be the best reporter that ever was. I wnat to be Jeff Jarvis, start a magazine like Entertainemnt Weekly and then have a blog where I get to have a running dialogue with the NYT executive editor.

Then one night you're sitting on the couch with some MSNBC reporter's mumbling dorwned out by the Marvin Gaye disc you just slipped on. And you're deftly unhooking Hawaiin Girl's bra behind her back with one hand, shirst still on. And all you can think about is how your story on gender roles in sports is going to knock the smug smile of that little reporting prick's face. Then just as you get your thumb and first finger in there enough throw open all three hook at once it hits you: I don't even want to be a fucking report anyways. Then you lose it.
Fuck.
I'm sorry baby.
It's not you.
I just have a few things to figure out.
Like how I'm going to wipe this smug smile off my own face.

1 Comments:

Blogger dbhayes said...

BOOM. That was so awesome. What do you want to do though?

1:25 AM  

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