Sunday, February 27, 2005

If you came here looking for the truth than tonight maybe you found it. Here's the truth: Don't be afraid to let something take you. Stand up. Admit you're not special. Realize when you've lost something good and don't ever forget when you won something only because you fought for it. You can come here day after day. You can watch 24 on Monday and Scrubs on Tuesday and West Wing on Wednesday and The O.C. on Thursday and Bernie Mac on Friday. But all it's going to do is numb you.

If you spend enough days sitting there letting all the stimulation run you and eating with sorority girls and convincing yourself that it's OK not to feel, that it's fine not to get worked up and there's no reason to stress you'll probably live longer. You can sit there in your rocking chair at 85, thinking of all the places you still want to go and reading my obituary. Our obituaries. Of all those people who died 10 years before you because they stressed out and they got worked up. They stared down someone ferociously and they let their hormones get the best of them and they drank pepto-bismol by the bottle to handle that stomach stress pains. They let themselves live on the edge, even though they were peeing their pants. It's been six weeks and four days since I've felt any emotion but agitated and helpless to make a change. It's been 47 weeks exactly since I've had a fire in my belly. A real one. The kind that makes you want to give up everything you have for something you love, for something you believe in.

I used to get ferocious. I could narrow my eyes into slits and grit my teeth and tighten my stomach and move like a tiger. And people would go "whoa, where did that come from?" From my belly, I told them. That's where everything you want comes from. It's the center of desire. You think it's a coincidence that the place you feel hunger is the same place that feel fear? Not a coincidence at all.

The next time someone tells you to just be happy with what you've got, smack them across the face. Love your life. Fill it up. Never stop filling it up. Fill it up with everything that's important and a couple things that aren't just for some contrast. Let stuff go. Make sure it's important stuff. Let it hurt when it's gone. Let it cut a hole in your life. Then patch it up and keep on going. Don't ever be full. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and my stomach isn't going to growl, it's going to roar. And I'm going to feel something that I haven't felt in a long time. I'm going to feel empty. But empty with an appetite. And god be with anyone who gets between me and my meal. It's another perfect day.



Blogger dbhayes said...

very good. the last paragraph was really really good.

2:11 AM  

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