Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Sometimes I wonder if my Dockers Stain defender shirt is giving me cancer. It is, after all, coated with teflon, a known carcinogen. It's true, I haven't been around. I could say it's because I haven't had time and I wouldn't be lying but I also wouldn't be telling the whole truth. The whole truth is that I've lost my kick. The point of college is to grind you down. It's to pound you into submission to that 60 hour work week that's gonna be dumped on you when you go out there in the workplace and take on a real job.

I hate the journalism school. It sucks the life out of my writing. I don't want to write obituaries or sports columns or sidebars. I don't want deadlines or interviews or inverted pyramids. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Doesn't it? Does it?

I don't have it. I don't have the passion. I don't have the fire right now. I'm empty. I'm completely empty. I'm going to school and I got a girl and I work in a sorority house and I am totally empty. And not the kind of empty that I want to sit down and write you about. It's the kind that I don't want to think about. And I'm trying to change. I'm trying to get the passion back. I'm trying to grab hold of something. Anything. When I get a grip, when I find a ledge or a branch or a hand, I'll pull myself up on top, I'll crawl across the floor, I'll lift myself into my desk chair and I'll write to you again. Because when I have passion there's nothing I'd rather do than spread the love and share it with you.

The comeback kid comes back. He always does. He has to.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

A Big Night Out

For this story we're going to have to go way back in the truth blog. Sometimes a story is so rediculous I wouldn't even expect you to try to believe it. This is one of those stories. But the thing is, it's true. I have this theory that life circles back around on itself over and over again. So there I was, minding my own business at the girl's big party last night at their Princess Palace. Good times, lots of drinks and lost of unknown faces. Oh, and plenty of music and dancing too. Everything's fun and fine and great when in walks a girl from the sorority where I work. But not just any girl, the girl.

I don't want to give her a name on here, because a special title means she's gonna have a recurring role. Oh, fuck it. Let's call her Ghana Girl. The only one in the house I would do more than fuck for fun. But sadly she tells me she has a boyfriend. Some dumb fifth year fucker. I figured she probably found some jerk. I said hi to her at the party and then looked behind her. Someone else walked through the door. Someone I didn't expect. My Twin, M. Remember him? Ya I moved in with him for a week over the summer, the first night of which I hooked up with his ex-girlfriend who, apparently, he was still in love with. My life is not a soap opera. I promise. Luckily he never found out so we're still friends and our resemblance is uncanny. We chatted it up for a bit. He's me only louder and crazier. Then Ghana girl comes over. I asked her if she knew M. "That's my boyfriend silly," she giggled to me. holyshit holyshit holyshit. There are nearly 30 thousand people on this campus. 30 thousand, why me?

So let me get this straight... The only sorority girl who I thought I could see myself with for more than one night keeps telling me about her boyfriend, who, in addition to looking like my twin brother, turns out to be the ex of the TMG who I hooked up with over the summer. wow. just wow. I almost cracked and told them this last night. That would have been a bad scene. I don't know how I get myself into this shit, I really don't. God is always playing these tricks on me.

All this compounded by the G2K, who is having some kind of breakdown 2000 miles away. First she was laughing. Then she was crying. Now she is hiding from me I think. And B is there. Which, to be honest, is completely terrifying me. And when I'm scared, I can't do my work. So here I am, not at the football game, not at the library, not outside, but sitting here, stressing, taking years off of my life making things as hard as possible. I know, I need help. I just don't know who can help me. Maybe it's you.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Theme for the Week: following through. you gotta follow through kids. I can't tell you how many times I've watched people work so hard for so long all to throw it away at the last minute because they got all ADD at the end and bitched out. Finish strong.

This Week's Reason for Being Disgruntled: Nepotism. I went east for the past weekend to a place I once made my home. And I looked around at all the people and all the opportunities that are given to them. All the kids in their boarding schools who then go to the small colleges who then get a job at an ad agency in NYC or have the chance to get into Harvard Law so that their kids may do the same thing and so on and so forth. I'm disgruntled at them, partly for having these opportunities, but also at myself for breaking through from the upper-middle class into their world and then turning my back on them and not following through on my opportunity- even though I was chasing my sports dream of becoming the professional watermelon seed spitter that I had always dreamed of. I hate the system only because I want to be a part of it, feel its security and explore all of its opportunities.

Reason to shake in my boots: I Saw the G2K this weekend. Remember her? Well when I told the story I explained how we spent time in NYC and her and B and I were together, I was leaving soon and B liked her so I got the two of them together. Of course she went away to Europe and they split and he got a new girlfriend and him and I were still friends. But the week before I came something happened that I did not expect. B broke up with his girlfriend, spent time with the G2K and professed his surviving love for her. He told her all those things I'm sure she wanted him to say when they were together.

In fact, B is not the only man in the past few weeks to tell her they desire her. So here I am, 2000 miles away while guys are literally throwing themselves at her. She made it known that She and B could never be together and he made it known that I was in the wrong for getting involved with a friends girl (which I cannot dispute, though I do feel I gave him a fair chance). And I feared that, upon my visit, we might come to blows. Not a horrible resolution except for the fact that in the months since my west nile bout and the added stress of recent life, I have lost about 12 pounds and am no longer in shape to do battle. Luckily, though we saw each other only from a distance, and made it a point not to come too close. Perhaps when I can put the weight back on, perhaps.

Reason to be Sad: My life is out west, it's where my heart is. her life is out east, it's where her soul is. Someday she'll drift away from me and adopt a new philosophy that doesn't' keep the two of us in mind. She'll move into someone else's place and stare into some other's eyes. But not today.

Reason to be Happy: When she told me everything about B and her and how she felt lost I was 10 minutes away form boarding my overnight flight. If need be I would spend my whole trip with my other lady, the city of Boston. But as I flew through the skies and slept she left me a message. The kind that sort of changes your life. I told her earlier that everything between us was fine. But when I saw her a few days later, fine became great, great became amazing, amazing became a word I don't think I've learned yet and that word turned into a feeling in the pit of my stomach... the moral of the story is don't eat strange, unknown words because they make your stomach cranky.

Reason to be Confused: My sister. She was in Africa vomiting non-stop for two weeks. Now she is on a plane home. Doctor's can't find anything physically wrong with her. Something fishy is going on.

Reason to Panic: I don't think I want to work for a newspaper ever. But I'm a news-ed journalist student. This may need to be remedied. Keep posted.

Second Reason to Panic: A sorority girl asked me to dinner for tomorrow night. I didn't say no. Wait a minute....

Reason to gigady-gigady-gigady: A sorority girl asked me to dinner for tomorrow night. I didn't say no.

Final Thoughts: this post sucks. I'm looking for a big rebound but I need some inspiration.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

There was singing. Loud singing, beautiful colors, my head was spinning and I was falling through the darkness. Alone. I was alone. But there was a woman's voice. I couldn't see her but she sang so sweetly. Suddenly my eyes snapped open. I wasn't in my bed. I wasn't in any bed. I woke sitting up with my ipod ear buds still in my ears and a small TV screen only 10 inches from my face, full of singing and dancing. I realized the buds were plugged into the seat's armrest. I was on a plane. People were shuffling. I blinked long and deliberately just to ask my brain if all of this was real. The airplane sound chimed in my ears and I opened my eyes again just in time to see the fasten seatbelt sign flicker out. Moulin Rouge was playing on the small TV screen. I left the plane. It was 5:30 AM. I looked for any identifying marks. "Logan Airport." I was in Boston. I drug my carry-on to the subway, I got off 20 minutes later, knocked on a door, a familiar face opened it, pointed to a couch and away I drifted.

I have some kind of ephemeral connection with Boston. The city lives and breathes and I have to spend at least a day with it walking the streets, exploring it, loving it and giving of myself to it. I spent early Friday with her. From the Back Bay to the pier to Cambridge I strolled on foot. And when a childhood friend at MIT called me to meet I knew trouble was brewing. It bubbled over when we decided that an old tandem bike should be restored to working order and ridden through traffic on one of Boston's busiest streets. Was I on the front or the back? Well, I'm Tank's bitch, and also, I'd estimate, 50 pounds his subordinate so of we went, Tank leading the way, I taking up the rear, cars honking, girls giggling and two childhood friends remembering what it means to be a kid again.

Boston late-night was mild but the next day things changed quickly. I hitched a ride to NH. Who was there waiting on the side of the highway? The G2K. The next two nights were spent with her. That is the short of this past weekend. There was much drama in the LBC however. I am too tired to tell you now. I'll dish it soon.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

I'm at home. Blink. I walking down the street of Boston. It's dark. It's 5:30 AM. blink.