Sunday, September 19, 2004

My grandfather came to visit me last night. He sat right down on the edge of the bed. An act of closeness completely out of context for the tough Jew from Brooklyn who didn't take shit from anyone. But there he sat, with a Buddha like grin of complete contentment. And when I saw that smile I knew I was in the presence of something special. Because just like myself, my grandfather had never been able to wry himself free of that heavy burden. The one that that shows itself in the wrinkles between our eyebrows and the the corners of our eye-sockets every time we smile. But there he sat, all anguish washed away.

Why weren't you at holiday services this past week? It's our people's new year. Are you so quick to forget?

No, I've just been blazing my own trail lately. Trying the circuitous route to some of those answers I've been looking for.

Well from the looks of you you haven't found what you've been looking for.

Why? How do I look?

Tired. Tired of searching. Tired of trying. Tired of carrying that load on your back. You're young, but still you've managed to pull so many heavy stones right out of thin air.

Well you and all the generations before me have left me such a mess. It's just not black and white anymore. I can be anywhere in the world in less than a day and I can learn anything about the world from my tiny, second-story bedroom but all that does is make me more lost and confused.

The places and answers you seek aren't outside, they're inside.

Trust me, I've spent plenty of time looking in. That's where this all started.

I think you were looking in the wrong parts.

Does it all make some sense at the end or will I just look ridiculously foolish?

You know what the last thought I had was?

I can't imagine.

I wondered if the caddy had a full tank of gas.


That's how much sense it makes at the end. Just the same amount it did at the beginning when I watched you take your first breath, open your eyes and start screaming as loud as you little lungs would allow.

So then every choice really makes no difference?

Oh no, each choice is critically important.

Well then How do I make the right one?

Chance. It's chance that got you this far. You've seen places across the globe and you've made friends and you even met a nice half-Jewish girl since we last talked, didn't you?

Ya, well we're not really talking right now. I mean, I'm young and I'm far away form her and I want to make mistakes. Stupid stupid mistakes that could send my life hurtling off in the completely wrong direction.

OK, you can run away but you gotta face that maybe you fell in love.

You're not one I'd expect to be giving me any relationship advice. I know your past.

Respect your grandfather you tyrant! I learned something about love in my journey. Cause a kid like you, you think lust is love. You don't know love. The secret that lets you know when you're in love.

out with it...

When you've in love, every time you see that person it's like coming home. It's like you've been lost and stranded without a map. But when you meet them, and you see their face, you know that you're home. You know you're where you are supposed to be. That is the love that's real. That's the love that's going to last.

I'm tired and weary.

You're weary from your long journey. Those are bags under your eyes. You found your home and you've left it again and all you want to do is curl up where you belong. Look at me. I know. I know what it's like to lose your way. I got so lost and turned around I never found my way back. But I'm here to point you in the right direction.

But Papa, I just don't know if I'm ready to be pointed.

Sleep now, you'll find your way. You've got something I never had. You've got the key to deciphering the map. You just gotta crack the code. It will come.

And with that he patted my stomach, stood up, smiled down at me once more and walked out the door.


Blogger Meera said...

Your grandfather is a wise man.
You have to find the answers yourself...

1:42 AM  

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