Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Distance is... It's what it is

Maybe I just need to tell you all the truth. It's not right to keep secrets. Maybe I should tell you that none of it is real. That I'm just here all by myself making up a story of a life that doesn't even exist. Maybe I should tell you that there is no G2K. Or that there is, but that I just left her there. 2000 miles away. That she never came here. That we write eachother the occasional e-mail and that's all. Maybe I should tell you it wasn't because I was out there 2000 miles away that I didn't write you. Maybe it's because I was just tired. Tired of all of it. Tired like I had just woken from a dream. I dreampt that I boarded a plane and that she was waiting there at baggage claim to see my face. That we got lost in traffic but it didn't matter because I would sit in the passenger seat and stare at her for days if I could. Maybe I never made it.

Maybe I never made it to her house, to her bed, to that little nook in the side of her neck that I know I can always kiss to make her smile. Maybe I spent the majority of the last 7 days at home in bed by myself, not with her. I didn't walk through Grand Central Station. I didn't stand on top of the Empire State Building. We never sat under the trees and Christmas lights in The Village on a bench watching the miniature sailboats wofting around the lake in Central Park. I didn't sit at her desk shaking that little snow globe with the Empire State Building inside. All if it wasn't real. The BBQ's and the kisses and the sex and the fights and the planes and the trains and the smiles and the feeling that someone is sleeping there with you who might be sleeping there with you the next night and maybe every night until you told them to leave. And even then they might be there too.

But this morning I woke up in my own bed alone. It was all a west nile induced dream. I rubbed my eyes and lifted my head. I saw the alarm clock with my note next to it. WORK TODAY! I had to be at the magazine in an hour. I stumbled out of bed towards the bathroom. I tripped. My fucking backpack was lying right in the doorway. Who the hell left that there? I thought. Oh well. I decided I should pack it for the day before I forgot. I grabbed my iPod and opened the top pouch to make sure I would have some stimulation to carry me through the day. That's when I saw it. Or did I see it? I closed my eyes and opened them again. No, it was there. The snow globe. The one from her desk. A golden empire state tower standing alone. But wait, there was a pink sticky note too. So you don't forget... it said. It's old and it's scratched and enough water has leaked out that the very tip of the tower is rising above the water line. But it was real. It was in my hand and I shook it and the snow fell. I could feel the snow falling on my face. I tilted my head back. I stuck my tongue out. No, it wasn't a dream at all. Now she's on a plane to Italy. And I'm here. I get kicked out of my apartment on Tuesday and I don't know where I'm going to go. But I don't care. I'll move under a bridge if I have to. Just me and my snow globe and my iPod. You can't touch me mother fuckers. Maybe I hugged her too long in the airport. Maybe I told her we would always be saying goodbye. Maybe I told her this couldn't work. That this wouldn't work. It doesn't matter. I didn't have to say anything. Distance is.... well, it's what it is.

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