Sunday, July 11, 2004

"The Look"

I dunno what Lance Armstrong was really doing when he looked back at Jan Ulrich in this shot from last year's climb up Alp D'huez. Lance stared back for at least 5 seconds. 5 seconds is a hell of a long stare in my book. He would like us to believe that he was just surveying the field behind him to see what kind of threat they posed. And that he was merely trying to check what kind of shape they were in. I would like to believe that last year, halfway up Alp d'Huez, Lance turned around, let his gaze cross right into Ulrich's view, and tore him to pieces with his eyes. I want to Believe that Lance was saying, "You're beat., You don't have anything. I am the king. With my body and my will and my soul I will defeat you. Don't forget that I am the king. I'll see you at the top." That's when he took off and didn't see Ulrich again until the finish line.

Sometimes it's amazing to make it to the finish line. Sometimes it's amazing not to leave your house. Sometimes it's hell. Sometimes it's both. There's too much sun. There's too much sun coming through my window. There's too much sun. You have to stare down your fears. You have to come to terms with yourself. Because there is no escape. There is only yourself. Just yourself, sitting on your porch in the heat, reading a book, listening to jazz. Dreaming big dreams. Remembering the smell of your first girlfriend and the day you realized there was no turning back to the safety from which you came. Singing in front of the mirror. I am alone. Completely alone. And it's wonderful and it's beautiful and I want to silence the whole world. Just hold my finger to my lips and make everyone stop for a second. Not to listen to me but to listen to themselves. Because everything is yelling at me today. Everyday. All that media. All those pictures. All those blogs. All those sounds. Click click, blink blink, stare. Absorb absorb absorb. Regurgitate. Maybe if your mind is silent you can handle it. But my brain and my gut and my soul are always having their own conversations. They're trying to have conversations with me. And when they're all commanded to sit down, shut up and be forced fed for too long they get ornery and ancy. Because they have ADD.

So Today we all sat down and hashed out some stuff. And played some poker. The brain was showing 2 pair, my dick had ace high a kind and my soul was holding out for the flush. I called my brain's bluff, intimidated my dick into folding and kept upping the ante on my soul. He got the better of me. I told him that being connected to all things in the universe was an unfair advantage. I think he told me to shove it.

Are you mad at me? Is it because of the music posts? Is it because you thought I was something I am not? Is it because you don't know what to believe here as fact or fiction? You don't think you know me? Trust me. I am everything you thought and more. I am a genius and a rockstar and an asshole and a lover and a nerd and a zen master and a meathead and a beauty queen and a heavy hitter and a lost cause and a player and a loser and a champion. But I can't be all of it at once. I can't do it all at the same time. Trust me. Trust me. I will not tell you what to believe. I will only tell you what to believe in. Just have faith. Just listen to that voice deep down. "dream big dreams" mine is telling me right now. "Dream big dreams and then put on your overalls."


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