Monday, June 28, 2004

Today I should be talking about Mr. Bush. I should be talking about he tried to save some face and look like a big shot after Michael moore tore him a new asshole this weekend.(Still haven't seen the flick but I promise I will soon) And so, to prove to everyone that he is still very much in control, Mr. BusH decided to turn over sovereignty of Iraq back to it's own people a whopping 2 days early. 2 days means a lot. Especially when you declare MISSION ACCOMPLISHED Over a year ago. All of this is what I should be talking about. But my heart really just isn't in it.

All weekend long I worked at people's weddings. 2 beautiful events with glowing new couples and 1 horrifying disaster of a wedding where the father of the bride didn't approve of his 19 year old daughter's marriage to some 23 year old sleezeball. Then today I watched Love Actually. My roommate picked up this week-long rental last Tuesday, watched it that evening and was poised to return it the following morning. I dissuaded her, assuring her that I would put it to use this week. I had some grand notion to get the TMG over here to lie on the couch and watch it with me. Because I knew it wasn't the kind of movie to be watched alone. But I never asked her. The closest I came to getting her over here was meeting her for lunch yesterday before work. You would think that I Was poised to grill her about her ex, about our crazy night together, about the Almighty Quinn and about what's next. But I didn't. All we did was talk. About the past, about the future, about funny stories and the reasons we became the people we are. The whole time I didn't even want to bring the rest of it up. I realized we were communicating fine and I knew there was never going to be much more than friendly chatting between us.

I sat there listening and smiling and this voice in my head started speaking to me again, You don't need to waste your time with a girl who you can tell you won't fall for. Especially one who won't fall for you. Why do you keep searching out these girls you know will cause you trouble? What is this insatiable need for torture? Find a girl you know will only flicker for you for a moment? They will never love you you idiot. And I knew the voice was right. But I never like listening to the voice in my head. Lunch ended and I left satisfied. I had no need to hash through reasons and explanations.

But as I drove home my cell phone rang. It was her. She wanted to make sure things weren't awkward. They weren't. I said I was fine with the fact that she had hooked up with her ex's look alike during her week of letting loose and that she shouldn't feel remorse for brushing me aside because she was afraid to get too close to anyone. She didn't know what to say. I said goodbye. And I could understand why she didn't want to be close to anyone. Because I am also afraid. And I worked all night long. But I didn't feel satisfied. So I wrote the TMG a nice nerdy e-mail. Telling her what I thought had happened. Because I'm a writer. And I had persuaded my roommate to keep Love Actually all week long. I had to watch it. So today I did. Alone. On the couch. Not sad but reveling in the thought of the person who was going to fill that empty space next to me. About how beautiful and funny and brilliant and witty she would be. And how I would see it in her eyes. The exact same thing she sees in mine. That thing I have been searching for in all those girls. And I'm realizing this post isn't going anywhere near where I wanted it to. I'm going to go collect my thoughts. Once they're categorized and organized I'll come back and share them with you.


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